When Words Fail: The Call to Sit With the Suffering

Suffering is a universal part of life—and no one escapes it, though we may try. But despite our best efforts, we all experience suffering in some capacity. Knowing this does not make it easy, however. Whether it comes through disease, death, injury, disaster, or persecution, we all struggle to endure it, which is why we need the support of not only God but also our brothers and sisters in Christ. We need the Church.

Yet despite the Church’s long history of persecution and pain, we often struggle to comfort those who suffer. Even with the rich teachings on suffering within Scripture, many of us struggle to comfort others. How many times have we heard, or said ourselves, just after losing our job, getting a terminal illness, losing a family member, or any such experience, “I know it’s hard to see it now, but God works all things for good,” or “just trust his plan”? Though these statements may be accurate and even applicable, they are often used to avoid the discomfort of the suffering of others. It is often easier to offer theological explanations instead of offering true comfort, but we must realize that this often ends up brushing aside their pain. It effectively becomes a way for us to shield ourselves from entering into their suffering. As followers of Christ, we are called not to explain away suffering, but to bear it with others—just as Christ bore ours.

Theological Distancing: When Truth Becomes a Shield

I call this tendency: theologically distancing—using truth not to comfort or aid someone in their suffering, but as a way to avoid it. The problem is not theology itself but using it in a way that depersonalizes suffering or even brushes it aside. It comes across as cold, uncaring, and abstract. When we should be entering into their pain with them, we hide behind a theological shield—protecting ourselves from the discomfort of suffering.

We are given the picture of Job, having just lost everything including his own health, sitting and grieving on the ground. Then, after hearing what happened to him, three of his friends came and sat with him.

“Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him. And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.” (Job 2:11-13)

Initially, Job’s friends did well. They wept with him. They sat with him. They were silent for seven days. They came to comfort him. This is actually a good example of how one ought to approach comforting others. They did not reprimand him, they did not theologically explain away his suffering. Instead, they grieved and suffered with him.

Unfortunately, this all changes afterward, as they argue with Job for the vast majority of the book as to the cause of his suffering. This eventually leads to their rebuke straight from God, though that is over their bad theology. In trying to solve Job’s problem and theologically distancing themselves from him, they fail to comfort Job.

Jesus—The Perfect Presence in Pain

If Job’s friends represent cold theological distancing, Jesus presents us with the perfect example of compassionate, present comfort. The best example of this is found in the death of Lazarus, a friend of Jesus. Jesus had heard that Lazarus was ill, and by the time he arrived, Lazarus had died. Jesus knew beforehand that Lazarus had died, and purposefully went to the tomb of Lazarus. After arriving at the tomb Jesus saw Mary, the sister of Lazarus, and other Jews weeping, causing Jesus to be “deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled.” (John 11:33) Jesus then went to see the tomb and he wept. (John 11:35) Even knowing that he would raise Lazarus only moments later, Jesus still mourned and suffered with those around him.

It is no wonder that Christ is often referred to as the “suffering servant”. Isaiah in one of his prophecies foretold Christ as a future ultimate servant of God. In his description, Isaiah said, “Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.” (Isa 53:4) Christ is described as bearing our sorrows, our grief. He shares in our suffering, and he ultimately takes much of our suffering on himself. Though we cannot perfectly imitate Jesus in how he takes our burdens, we can imitate him in how he comforts and sits with others in their suffering.

True Comfort

So how do we imitate Christ without falling into theological distancing? Remember that theology itself is not the problem, but how we use it. Using theology properly produces love and empathy, not detachment or dismissal. We are given much guidance from scripture in how to comfort others. Again, look at Christ and how he wept with those who were weeping, and he suffered alongside them. Paul writes that we ought to “weep with those who weep” (Rom 12:15) and that we must “bear one another’s burdens.” (Gal 6:2) We are to be encouraging (Heb 10:24-25) and ought to diligently pray for those who are suffering. (Jam 5:13-15)

The question now is what are practical ways we can comfort others? This is often the hardest thing to do, it is where many of us become unsure of what the right thing to do is. Here are five simple acts you can do to comfort someone.

• Listen without trying to fix the problem.

Avoid jumping to problem-solving. Most often you can’t fix their suffering—but you can be there.

• Acknowledge the reality of their suffering.

Recognize their pain—do not brush it aside or minimize it.

• Ask what you can do to help them.

Simply ask what they need. Many times, they only need your presence.

• Pray for them.

Pray regularly and specifically for their needs.

• Simply stay.

Sometimes the most Christlike thing you can do is to sit and bear their suffering alongside them.

This is by no means an exhaustive guide to comforting others, but these principles are necessary for not only comforting those around you but for helping you in your own suffering. We must remember to imitate Christ when comforting others and taking on other's burdens. Let your theology take on flesh—and sit with the suffering.