How Much Wood WOULD a Woodchuck Chuck IF a Woodchuck COULD Chuck Wood?

As a philosophically inclined theologian, I strive to deal with "big questions" in life, and many of the "smaller" questions as well. Occasionally, one of these questions keeps me up at night until I find a good answer. One of these sleep steelers is: "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" People have been asking this question for over a century and no clear answers have been offered. The question is raised: is there a correct answer with a truth value to this question? Some philosophers have responded to the question with the following answer: "A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood." This does not seem to provide a clear answer. Moreover, it is plausibly false. Think about it: just because a woodchuck could chuck a certain amount of wood, it does not logically follow that the woodchuck would chuck the amount of wood that it could, in fact, chuck. The next question we need to answer is if a woodchuck actually could chuck wood in the first place. This depends upon what one means by "chuck." As any philosopher worth their salt will tell you, clear definitions are required. According to Wikipedia, the Associated Press published an article in 1988, which reported that Richard Thomas (a New York fish and wildlife technician) measured the volume of dirt in the average 25–30-foot (7.6–9.1 m) long woodchuck burrow, and had calculated that if the woodchuck had moved an equivalent volume of wood, it could move "about 700 pounds (320 kg) on a good day, with the wind at his back." Another study, which considered "chuck" to be the opposite of upchucking, determined that a woodchuck could ingest 361.9237001 cubic centimeters (22.08593926 cu in) of wood per day. Wikipedia also reports the following response:

Another proposed response comes from the parody-filled video game Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge, where the protagonist asks a carpenter the question and gets the response: "A woodchuck would chuck no amount of wood since a woodchuck can't chuck wood."

So, the experts are split over what "chucking" actually means and are not even sure if we are even aware of what "chucking" actually is in the first place. It seems only an omniscient mind would know the answer to this question. But what if woodchucks really can chuck wood, or what if they start chucking wood in the future? The next logical question raised is this:

If a woodchuck

could

chuck wood, how much wood

would

the woodchuck chuck?

(I encourage you to read the rest of this article out loud!) :) I suppose this depends on each individual woodchuck. Consider Chuck the woodchuck. Perhaps the woodchuck, Chuck, typically chooses not to chuck past 5 pm on the weekdays although he

could

and occasionally does put in some overtime. If that is the case, then we are simply in no position to know with any kind of certainty how much wood Chuck the woodchuck would choose to chuck if Chuck the woodchuck could chuck wood. Again, this seems to be something only an omniscient mind -- like God -- would know. An omniscient God would know several things about each individual woodchuck: First, an omniscient God would know if a woodchuck really could chuck wood in the first place. Second, if a woodchuck could chuck wood, an omniscient God would know exactly how much wood Chuck the woodchuck would choose to chuck as opposed to how much wood Woody the woodchuck would choose to chuck if Woody the woodchuck could chuck wood. Ultimately, since God is omnipotent and omniscient, He had the power to create a world in which He knew -- logically prior to creating the world -- that woodchucks not only could chuck wood in the world He chose to create, but God also knew exactly how much wood each woodchuck would choose to chuck if each woodchuck were free to make the decision to chuck wood or to not chuck wood. Thus, although God does not causally determine or force woodchucks to chuck wood, He did predestine all the chucked wood that woodchucks, like Woody and Chuck the woodchucks, would and will ever freely choose to chuck. Back to the question: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I do not know, but I do know that God knows exactly how much wood COULD be chucked by Woody and Chuck the woodchucks, how much wood Woody and Chuck the woodchucks WOULD freely choose to chuck, and God knows with absolute certainty how much wood Woody and Chuck the woodchucks WILL freely choose to chuck! Our omniscient God never

gained

this knowledge. He has known the truth to all possibly asked questions and all possibly stated propositions from eternity past. This includes knowing the truth to seemingly crazy questions like how much wood Woody and Chuck the woodchucks would freely choose to chuck if Woody and Chuck the woodchucks could freely choose to chuck wood. Now go rest your tongue and stay reasonable (Philippians 4:5), Tim Stratton